hurting small animals

Note: Poem initially formatted as a triptych, available here.

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hurting small animals

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You were always

pathetically happy

if I showed any interest

or affection, like

the minimum I owed you

was nothing.

Do you remember drowning

under sodium lights

in an oversized hoodie? Your sleeves

were snot-stained in little

salt-rings and

your posture said hug-me-

leave-me-don't-come-near-me and

I wish sometimes that I'd listened

to the articulation of your spine and not cashed in on

that mass of good will

that I squandered and traded

in months to come.

Comforting you comforted me

scared me.

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driving

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You told me that you missed driving,

that you drove to relieve stress,
that you knew more about cars,

that you sometimes wondered

about letting go of the wheel on the highway.

You hated when I drove at night.

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hospitalizing small animals

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We drove there because

you couldn't pay for an ambulance

and couldn't feel your fingers

to find an insurance card

and couldn't tell red from blue

from food from fork from

pity from love.

I blew through stopsigns

on the way there.

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in earnest

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"Fuck you."

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the sound of fragile trust

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I'd brought bad beer for to make amends

but tore open the box's little cardboard belly

and little cans went dancing across the floor;

you always wanted to dance; I placed a foot

on one of the beers, feeling for a fall...

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dead leaves

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You fell getting out of bed,

a twitchy nervous mess,

and it was cold and you trembled.

I got up before you did.

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hole

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"One of the best things to happen to me at this hell hole.

Thank you for wanting to stick around.

You'll never know how much it really means."

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again

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"Fuck you, Ashton."

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